Obviously sex, and as I've discovered sexual addiction, has played a big part in this whole cheating fiasco.
Unfortunately Luke and I were well meaning when we set out in our relationship. We had ideals and set boundaries for our physical relationship, but like too many woe-is-us stories go, we fell. A big part of our fall was that we both had struggles from early chid hood in the area of sex. For both of us this played a great part in our slow and not-quite-committed relationship to God. If we were smart we would have waited a few months to date in order to deal with our struggles sexually both past and present.
Instead of thoughtfully considering our struggles we started a relationship with sexual baggage that neither of us knew would affect our relationship. We both were naive enough to think that we were "over" our struggles and we could handle ourselves in a serious relationship. I still believe, and we both did then, that God was leading us together. However, if we only had listened a little more closely we would have heard him tell us to wait a little in order to deal with sexual sin in our individual lives.
Our love was growing, and so naturally our desire to bond was growing. Though we both believed in no sex before marriage (or anything else), we lacked self control. After a while we had broken our vows and boundaries for sex. Although we didn't go all the way, it was enough to create a great black hole of looming guilt in our individual hearts and our relationship. Even thought we never totally gave into justifying what we were doing, we struggled enough to feel like we couldn't stop. At this time struggles started rearing their heads in our lives individually without the other knowing. This created more and more guilt.
Though I dealt with my guilt and had time, during our time apart, to recenter myself spiritually and hope for change, Luke didn't fair as well as me. He didn't have as much root spiritually and instead of trying to regain his lack of self control he succumbed to self pity and indulgence of various kinds: he started to play more video games, eat poorly, stopped exercising, had a hard time keeping appointments, never went to bed on time...the list goes on. It seems to me that this whole story of struggle with sexual purity was just brought to a head when the temptation to cheat was presented. After years and years of basically having no self-control he was in no position to suddenly have it now.
Too easily the "backstory" can sound like an excuse. It's not. I had very similar struggles and a sexually scarring childhood, however I choose to stay faithful. He still had a choice. However, it gives perspective and also presents a picture of a broken person. God loves broken people and because I have God, I too love broken people. This is the only reason why Luke and I have been able to hang on and give this a second shot.
It pains me to think of this. I can't believe the struggle, both mine and his, that has been so obvious for so long if only we had opened our eyes. I see now how disgusting sin is, and how disgusting some of my thoughts and actions were. I am happy to report that things are really healing in the sex department for us. Our struggles are now in the past for real this time. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe someday I'd be willing to talk to young girls about sexuality. There's so much for boys because we all know that boys are sex fiends (just kidding kinda), but there's not enough out there for girls regarding sexuality.
God has taken me on a long and broken road, but I've learned so much about it. I used to be scared to say S-E-X, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm not afraid of the shame that comes with that word or other words such as masturbation. I'm not afraid because God is on my side. I can face sex in a healthy Godly way from here on out and have it when it's time, not in my time.
