Obviously sex, and as I've discovered sexual addiction, has played a big part in this whole cheating fiasco.
Unfortunately Luke and I were well meaning when we set out in our relationship. We had ideals and set boundaries for our physical relationship, but like too many woe-is-us stories go, we fell. A big part of our fall was that we both had struggles from early chid hood in the area of sex. For both of us this played a great part in our slow and not-quite-committed relationship to God. If we were smart we would have waited a few months to date in order to deal with our struggles sexually both past and present.
Instead of thoughtfully considering our struggles we started a relationship with sexual baggage that neither of us knew would affect our relationship. We both were naive enough to think that we were "over" our struggles and we could handle ourselves in a serious relationship. I still believe, and we both did then, that God was leading us together. However, if we only had listened a little more closely we would have heard him tell us to wait a little in order to deal with sexual sin in our individual lives.
Our love was growing, and so naturally our desire to bond was growing. Though we both believed in no sex before marriage (or anything else), we lacked self control. After a while we had broken our vows and boundaries for sex. Although we didn't go all the way, it was enough to create a great black hole of looming guilt in our individual hearts and our relationship. Even thought we never totally gave into justifying what we were doing, we struggled enough to feel like we couldn't stop. At this time struggles started rearing their heads in our lives individually without the other knowing. This created more and more guilt.
Though I dealt with my guilt and had time, during our time apart, to recenter myself spiritually and hope for change, Luke didn't fair as well as me. He didn't have as much root spiritually and instead of trying to regain his lack of self control he succumbed to self pity and indulgence of various kinds: he started to play more video games, eat poorly, stopped exercising, had a hard time keeping appointments, never went to bed on time...the list goes on. It seems to me that this whole story of struggle with sexual purity was just brought to a head when the temptation to cheat was presented. After years and years of basically having no self-control he was in no position to suddenly have it now.
Too easily the "backstory" can sound like an excuse. It's not. I had very similar struggles and a sexually scarring childhood, however I choose to stay faithful. He still had a choice. However, it gives perspective and also presents a picture of a broken person. God loves broken people and because I have God, I too love broken people. This is the only reason why Luke and I have been able to hang on and give this a second shot.
It pains me to think of this. I can't believe the struggle, both mine and his, that has been so obvious for so long if only we had opened our eyes. I see now how disgusting sin is, and how disgusting some of my thoughts and actions were. I am happy to report that things are really healing in the sex department for us. Our struggles are now in the past for real this time. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe someday I'd be willing to talk to young girls about sexuality. There's so much for boys because we all know that boys are sex fiends (just kidding kinda), but there's not enough out there for girls regarding sexuality.
God has taken me on a long and broken road, but I've learned so much about it. I used to be scared to say S-E-X, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm not afraid of the shame that comes with that word or other words such as masturbation. I'm not afraid because God is on my side. I can face sex in a healthy Godly way from here on out and have it when it's time, not in my time.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
What Happened?
I've tried so many times to write this post, but I haven't been able to. Part of the reason is because I'm learning how to trust Luke again. I believe he is changed and confessed everything, however my heart has not followed my head quite yet. Therefore I will write from my head what I've gathered after many, many talks with Luke about the affair.
Cathy was Luke's boss. She was his age and very, very smart. She believed in many things that were closely related to Christian belief's such as women's rights, equality, health, etc. The only problem is that those belief's were not God-centered. Like I've mentioned before, Luke had been slipping spiritually so in order to grasp onto some sort of belief system, to feel like he could keep up with me spiritually, he started to allow Cathy's influence and was intrigued by her causes. Before he really got to see how selfish Cathy's belief's were without God, he simply saw someone he looked up to. He said it was not emotions or feelings for Cathy that started the affair, but mental weakness.
Unfortunately just taking someone else's ideals and making them your own makes you susceptible to all kinds of manipulation. At this point Luke basically had no spine and he didn't know it. He thought that by relating to her ideals he could not only gain something but show how close to Christianity she was and witness. However a godless person cannot convert another godless person, so instead Cathy had a greater influence on Luke. Luke says he remembers one time when Cathy asked him about his Christian views on homosexuality. He was empty and had no answer. From then on, he said, she kind of owned him mentally. Scary... The next step was that she not only influenced him but manipulated him. She, a married woman, started to say things about how you can have feelings for two people. She started texting him many inappropriately and saying very explicit things. Instead of telling her to stop, he was spineless and tried to "play it cool" with the world. He said he wanted to show her how "cool" with things he could be as a Christian. However, we all know that that's basically an excuse you tell yourself when you're in denial about your spirituality. I knew something was going on at this point, but he shamefully chose not to tell me and ask me for help.
The whole physical part of the relationship basically started right before we were long distance again. For some reason she suggested that they "hang out" after work one time. She also insisted that they stay in a hotel that night. I don't know how, but Luke says that he seriously didn't think anything was going to happen. He was naive enough I suppose. Of course though Cathy, who was not a sheltered Christian, expected something to happen as a given. He said that there were undertones of sexuality when they got to the hotel room, it was late, and he felt the pressure to make some sort of move. He didn't want to have sex to he pleasured her instead to "get it over with."
It sounds like I'm making an excuse for him, but I think he was actually that stupid. At this point at least. After that encounter they would see each other outside of work from time to time, but she wanted to have real sex. She would say that she would like to "return the favor." He was going along because he was empty, felt horrible and in general just felt like he already failed so everything she suggested was sort of a "yeah sure I guess." Finally he gave into trying sex. He said the first two or three times they tried and failed because he couldn't get an erection. Even though I find it hard to believe, he says there were times she was completely naked, he was completely clothed, and he couldn't get an erection.
I don't know why they continued to try. I feel like that would have been a great way to get out of something you didn't want to do. Yet still his stupidity drove him, and maybe other things such as this thing I heard of called power rape (maybe there was a mild form of that in Luke's case), emptiness, feeling like he already failed, feeling the presure to make her happy (she had confided many things to him about her woes including how her sister had recently died)... Who really knows? Anwyay finally they were successful in having sex while he was intoxicated and loose enough to let down his guard. Maybe there was a beer goggle effect there as well. The whole drinking thing was another real shocker for me.
After that they continued a sexual relatinship until he left. He said he felt a sense of relief that it was over. She had turned out to bitter, manipulative, and blamed everyone else for her problesm. After they had sex he did admit that sex helped him continue in a relationship with her. After he had finally been able to do it, he continued because of the sexual act, not the person. I suppose that makes sense. Still, I've seen pictures of her and she's gross. I don't know how it couldn't have not been about the person. If it was just about sex wouldn't he have at least picked someone hotter? I feel like you can only put up with someone like that if you have feelings for them. Yet, I try hard to believe all he's said about how it started out as simple admiration that turned out to be obligation.
At the end of the day I accept what happened. It definitely helps that he didn't have feelings for her, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. He could have had a simple crush or a simple kiss on the cheek and that's all. Even the smallest act of infidelity would have caused the same damage in the end. The details definitely hurt, but at the end of the day he broke my trust and that hurts the most. It doesn't matter how, it's just the fact that he did.
For now I've chosen to try. The last six months almost I've been working things out with Luke. I'm happier now. I'm confused still. All the things of before have been shaken. I have to retest every feeling I've ever had for him--Do I find him attractive? Do I really love him? Is he enough for me? Is he a good match for me?--just because of this. It may not seem to make sense, but relationships are fluid, not compartments. Everything effects everything. :)
I'm optimistic.
Cathy was Luke's boss. She was his age and very, very smart. She believed in many things that were closely related to Christian belief's such as women's rights, equality, health, etc. The only problem is that those belief's were not God-centered. Like I've mentioned before, Luke had been slipping spiritually so in order to grasp onto some sort of belief system, to feel like he could keep up with me spiritually, he started to allow Cathy's influence and was intrigued by her causes. Before he really got to see how selfish Cathy's belief's were without God, he simply saw someone he looked up to. He said it was not emotions or feelings for Cathy that started the affair, but mental weakness.
Unfortunately just taking someone else's ideals and making them your own makes you susceptible to all kinds of manipulation. At this point Luke basically had no spine and he didn't know it. He thought that by relating to her ideals he could not only gain something but show how close to Christianity she was and witness. However a godless person cannot convert another godless person, so instead Cathy had a greater influence on Luke. Luke says he remembers one time when Cathy asked him about his Christian views on homosexuality. He was empty and had no answer. From then on, he said, she kind of owned him mentally. Scary... The next step was that she not only influenced him but manipulated him. She, a married woman, started to say things about how you can have feelings for two people. She started texting him many inappropriately and saying very explicit things. Instead of telling her to stop, he was spineless and tried to "play it cool" with the world. He said he wanted to show her how "cool" with things he could be as a Christian. However, we all know that that's basically an excuse you tell yourself when you're in denial about your spirituality. I knew something was going on at this point, but he shamefully chose not to tell me and ask me for help.
The whole physical part of the relationship basically started right before we were long distance again. For some reason she suggested that they "hang out" after work one time. She also insisted that they stay in a hotel that night. I don't know how, but Luke says that he seriously didn't think anything was going to happen. He was naive enough I suppose. Of course though Cathy, who was not a sheltered Christian, expected something to happen as a given. He said that there were undertones of sexuality when they got to the hotel room, it was late, and he felt the pressure to make some sort of move. He didn't want to have sex to he pleasured her instead to "get it over with."
It sounds like I'm making an excuse for him, but I think he was actually that stupid. At this point at least. After that encounter they would see each other outside of work from time to time, but she wanted to have real sex. She would say that she would like to "return the favor." He was going along because he was empty, felt horrible and in general just felt like he already failed so everything she suggested was sort of a "yeah sure I guess." Finally he gave into trying sex. He said the first two or three times they tried and failed because he couldn't get an erection. Even though I find it hard to believe, he says there were times she was completely naked, he was completely clothed, and he couldn't get an erection.
I don't know why they continued to try. I feel like that would have been a great way to get out of something you didn't want to do. Yet still his stupidity drove him, and maybe other things such as this thing I heard of called power rape (maybe there was a mild form of that in Luke's case), emptiness, feeling like he already failed, feeling the presure to make her happy (she had confided many things to him about her woes including how her sister had recently died)... Who really knows? Anwyay finally they were successful in having sex while he was intoxicated and loose enough to let down his guard. Maybe there was a beer goggle effect there as well. The whole drinking thing was another real shocker for me.
After that they continued a sexual relatinship until he left. He said he felt a sense of relief that it was over. She had turned out to bitter, manipulative, and blamed everyone else for her problesm. After they had sex he did admit that sex helped him continue in a relationship with her. After he had finally been able to do it, he continued because of the sexual act, not the person. I suppose that makes sense. Still, I've seen pictures of her and she's gross. I don't know how it couldn't have not been about the person. If it was just about sex wouldn't he have at least picked someone hotter? I feel like you can only put up with someone like that if you have feelings for them. Yet, I try hard to believe all he's said about how it started out as simple admiration that turned out to be obligation.
At the end of the day I accept what happened. It definitely helps that he didn't have feelings for her, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. He could have had a simple crush or a simple kiss on the cheek and that's all. Even the smallest act of infidelity would have caused the same damage in the end. The details definitely hurt, but at the end of the day he broke my trust and that hurts the most. It doesn't matter how, it's just the fact that he did.
For now I've chosen to try. The last six months almost I've been working things out with Luke. I'm happier now. I'm confused still. All the things of before have been shaken. I have to retest every feeling I've ever had for him--Do I find him attractive? Do I really love him? Is he enough for me? Is he a good match for me?--just because of this. It may not seem to make sense, but relationships are fluid, not compartments. Everything effects everything. :)
I'm optimistic.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
After Shocks
Learning the truth was not the end, it was the beginning of a long and tumultuous road. It wasn't the initial news that was hardest to take, it was all kinds of emotions that from then on would bubble up at any given moment. Those first two months were the hardest, but nonetheless I decided to stick things out until I was sure God was leading me elsewhere.
As Luke and I began discussing details of his screw up, its enormity and the pain that came from it started to settle in, crushing me in on every side. I began to have trouble sleeping, eating, and functioning as a real human being. I had no energy to focus on much else and my mind was reeling with so many questions I had to start writing them down to have some sort of sanity. Almost every day for the first few months I had a list of questions I'd ask. We would talk for hours going over the details, the lies, and the emotions or thoughts lurking behind the scenes.
I was very fearful of telling anyone about what I was going through. I decided to tell a few people, but they were removed from my direct circle of friends. Some things they said that stuck out to me were...
1. There's always more to the story: I can't tell you how true that was. There were things that, at first, Luke minimized. However, the Holy Spirit was working. The Holy Spirit was teaching Luke how to be honest, no matter how excruciatingly painful that can be. The Holy Spirit was also sharpening my intuition so if Luke did minimize I would be impressed to dig a little deeper. Little by little the darkness in both of our lives was being brought to light. "Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you" [Ps. 139:12]. Minimizing wasn't the only problem, Luke also blocked things out and wanted nothing more than to put what he did behind him. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of girl that gets closure from full disclosure. In any case, no matter how much I discovered I was always encouraged in the end because "love rejoices in the truth." If not my own love, the love of God in me.
2. Getting through this will take a lot of work: I knew it would take a lot of work, but I had no idea how much. One month, two, then three, and four. Right now we are working on month five.
3. Any relationship takes work, so running away won't solve all my problems: When someone told me that it didn't make me fear to leave him, but it gave me hope to stay. It showed me that no relationship is perfect.
The after shocks of the situation were incredibly hard to bear, but God was with me, is with me through it all.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Day He Told Me
I've been avoiding writing this blog. The day Luke told me he cheated was one of the worst days of my life. That's not something that is easy to write about, but here goes...
It was a friday afternoon and I had just come home from work. Luke had dinner ready and as I ate it he watched me nervously asking more than enough times if I enjoyed it. When I was done he said we needed to talk and I pretty much knew he was going to tell me something about Cathy. However, I had no idea how bad it would be. After we had driven somewhere secluded, he got out a notebook and started shake. I remained calm, but his nervousness was starting to scare me. Besides, up until that point he wasn't much of a writer. My stomach started to churn, but before I had enough time to prepare for what I was starting to realize, he read the words "I was unfaithful to you" from the scribbles on his notebook page. He didn't have time to finish his thoughts before I started rapidly spitting out question after question. At first I was calm because it was almost as if I was having an out of body experience. However, as my anger started to kick in, I started to come back down to earth. "Was it cathy?" I asked. Then I said, "It was Cathy wasn't it?" All he could muster was a whimper, whine, and then finally a "yes." After that my questions became angrier and more rapid fire. Then my anger finally broke him and he started crying uncontrollably.
Finally, I calmed down and my love for him took over. When my initial anger subsided I was able to hug him and tell him it was going to be alright. At that moment I saw him as a child of God and my heart yearned for him to be saved. I saw that he wanted to become a different man, but that he needed to feel God's love. In this crucial moment if I had closed my heart off to him, he might have mistaken that as the door to God's heart also closing. I got out of the car to hug him and stood up on the edge of the open car door well so that I could cradle his big frame in my arms more comfortably. I told him about God's love and forgiveness and made him promise that he would commit himself to the Lord no matter what. Then I told him if he had any chance with me at all he was going to have to fight very hard. The icing on this bitter cake however was when I told him I forgave him. Right then and there I forgave him. I can honestly say right now that I really did forgive him, and I still am in the process of doing so. I don't think I understood the depth of forgiveness Christ was giving me and allowing me to understand at that moment. I'm still realizing it and it's more powerful every day.
Then the best thing happened. As I hugged Luke I noticed something beyond the nearby buildings settled in the clouds, highlighted by the setting sun: there hung our own little miracle rainbow. There was no reason for it to be there, the weather conditions weren't right for it. Still, there it was. God's love in visible form. I pointed it out to Luke and he cried tears of Joy. Well, we both cried. I believe it was sent to tell us the same message of future hope and restoration that the rainbow Noah and his family saw thousands of years ago.
My worse fears had come true. I've faced some of the worst days of my life since Luke told me everything, yet also some of my best. God has a way of making even the worst situations a glorification of his forgiveness and salvation which he offers to the worst of us sinners. In that I can truly rejoice.
It was a friday afternoon and I had just come home from work. Luke had dinner ready and as I ate it he watched me nervously asking more than enough times if I enjoyed it. When I was done he said we needed to talk and I pretty much knew he was going to tell me something about Cathy. However, I had no idea how bad it would be. After we had driven somewhere secluded, he got out a notebook and started shake. I remained calm, but his nervousness was starting to scare me. Besides, up until that point he wasn't much of a writer. My stomach started to churn, but before I had enough time to prepare for what I was starting to realize, he read the words "I was unfaithful to you" from the scribbles on his notebook page. He didn't have time to finish his thoughts before I started rapidly spitting out question after question. At first I was calm because it was almost as if I was having an out of body experience. However, as my anger started to kick in, I started to come back down to earth. "Was it cathy?" I asked. Then I said, "It was Cathy wasn't it?" All he could muster was a whimper, whine, and then finally a "yes." After that my questions became angrier and more rapid fire. Then my anger finally broke him and he started crying uncontrollably.
Finally, I calmed down and my love for him took over. When my initial anger subsided I was able to hug him and tell him it was going to be alright. At that moment I saw him as a child of God and my heart yearned for him to be saved. I saw that he wanted to become a different man, but that he needed to feel God's love. In this crucial moment if I had closed my heart off to him, he might have mistaken that as the door to God's heart also closing. I got out of the car to hug him and stood up on the edge of the open car door well so that I could cradle his big frame in my arms more comfortably. I told him about God's love and forgiveness and made him promise that he would commit himself to the Lord no matter what. Then I told him if he had any chance with me at all he was going to have to fight very hard. The icing on this bitter cake however was when I told him I forgave him. Right then and there I forgave him. I can honestly say right now that I really did forgive him, and I still am in the process of doing so. I don't think I understood the depth of forgiveness Christ was giving me and allowing me to understand at that moment. I'm still realizing it and it's more powerful every day.
Then the best thing happened. As I hugged Luke I noticed something beyond the nearby buildings settled in the clouds, highlighted by the setting sun: there hung our own little miracle rainbow. There was no reason for it to be there, the weather conditions weren't right for it. Still, there it was. God's love in visible form. I pointed it out to Luke and he cried tears of Joy. Well, we both cried. I believe it was sent to tell us the same message of future hope and restoration that the rainbow Noah and his family saw thousands of years ago.
My worse fears had come true. I've faced some of the worst days of my life since Luke told me everything, yet also some of my best. God has a way of making even the worst situations a glorification of his forgiveness and salvation which he offers to the worst of us sinners. In that I can truly rejoice.
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