After Shocks

Learning the truth was not the end, it was the beginning of a long and tumultuous road. It wasn't the initial news that was hardest to take, it was all kinds of emotions that from then on would bubble up at any given moment. Those first two months were the hardest, but nonetheless I decided to stick things out until I was sure God was leading me elsewhere.

As Luke and I began discussing details of his screw up, its enormity and the pain that came from it started to settle in, crushing me in on every side. I began to have trouble sleeping, eating, and functioning as a real human being. I had no energy to focus on much else and my mind was reeling with so many questions I had to start writing them down to have some sort of sanity. Almost every day for the first few months I had a list of questions I'd ask. We would talk for hours going over the details, the lies, and the emotions or thoughts lurking behind the scenes. 

I was very fearful of telling anyone about what I was going through. I decided to tell a few people, but they were removed from my direct circle of friends. Some things they said that stuck out to me were...

1. There's always more to the story: I can't tell you how true that was. There were things that, at first, Luke minimized. However, the Holy Spirit was working. The Holy Spirit was teaching Luke how to be honest, no matter how excruciatingly painful that can be. The Holy Spirit was also sharpening my intuition so if Luke did minimize I would be impressed to dig a little deeper. Little by little the darkness in both of our lives was being brought to light. "Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you" [Ps. 139:12]. Minimizing wasn't the only problem, Luke also blocked things out and wanted nothing more than to put what he did behind him. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of girl that gets closure from full disclosure. In any case, no matter how much I discovered I was always encouraged in the end because "love rejoices in the truth." If not my own love, the love of God in me.

2. Getting through this will take a lot of work: I knew it would take a lot of work, but I had no idea how much. One month, two, then three, and four. Right now we are working on month five. 

3. Any relationship takes work, so running away won't solve all my problems: When someone told me that it didn't make me fear to leave him, but it gave me hope to stay. It showed me that no relationship is perfect. 

The after shocks of the situation were incredibly hard to bear, but God was with me, is with me through it all.