I've tried so many times to write this post, but I haven't been able to. Part of the reason is because I'm learning how to trust Luke again. I believe he is changed and confessed everything, however my heart has not followed my head quite yet. Therefore I will write from my head what I've gathered after many, many talks with Luke about the affair.
Cathy was Luke's boss. She was his age and very, very smart. She believed in many things that were closely related to Christian belief's such as women's rights, equality, health, etc. The only problem is that those belief's were not God-centered. Like I've mentioned before, Luke had been slipping spiritually so in order to grasp onto some sort of belief system, to feel like he could keep up with me spiritually, he started to allow Cathy's influence and was intrigued by her causes. Before he really got to see how selfish Cathy's belief's were without God, he simply saw someone he looked up to. He said it was not emotions or feelings for Cathy that started the affair, but mental weakness.
Unfortunately just taking someone else's ideals and making them your own makes you susceptible to all kinds of manipulation. At this point Luke basically had no spine and he didn't know it. He thought that by relating to her ideals he could not only gain something but show how close to Christianity she was and witness. However a godless person cannot convert another godless person, so instead Cathy had a greater influence on Luke. Luke says he remembers one time when Cathy asked him about his Christian views on homosexuality. He was empty and had no answer. From then on, he said, she kind of owned him mentally. Scary... The next step was that she not only influenced him but manipulated him. She, a married woman, started to say things about how you can have feelings for two people. She started texting him many inappropriately and saying very explicit things. Instead of telling her to stop, he was spineless and tried to "play it cool" with the world. He said he wanted to show her how "cool" with things he could be as a Christian. However, we all know that that's basically an excuse you tell yourself when you're in denial about your spirituality. I knew something was going on at this point, but he shamefully chose not to tell me and ask me for help.
The whole physical part of the relationship basically started right before we were long distance again. For some reason she suggested that they "hang out" after work one time. She also insisted that they stay in a hotel that night. I don't know how, but Luke says that he seriously didn't think anything was going to happen. He was naive enough I suppose. Of course though Cathy, who was not a sheltered Christian, expected something to happen as a given. He said that there were undertones of sexuality when they got to the hotel room, it was late, and he felt the pressure to make some sort of move. He didn't want to have sex to he pleasured her instead to "get it over with."
It sounds like I'm making an excuse for him, but I think he was actually that stupid. At this point at least. After that encounter they would see each other outside of work from time to time, but she wanted to have real sex. She would say that she would like to "return the favor." He was going along because he was empty, felt horrible and in general just felt like he already failed so everything she suggested was sort of a "yeah sure I guess." Finally he gave into trying sex. He said the first two or three times they tried and failed because he couldn't get an erection. Even though I find it hard to believe, he says there were times she was completely naked, he was completely clothed, and he couldn't get an erection.
I don't know why they continued to try. I feel like that would have been a great way to get out of something you didn't want to do. Yet still his stupidity drove him, and maybe other things such as this thing I heard of called power rape (maybe there was a mild form of that in Luke's case), emptiness, feeling like he already failed, feeling the presure to make her happy (she had confided many things to him about her woes including how her sister had recently died)... Who really knows? Anwyay finally they were successful in having sex while he was intoxicated and loose enough to let down his guard. Maybe there was a beer goggle effect there as well. The whole drinking thing was another real shocker for me.
After that they continued a sexual relatinship until he left. He said he felt a sense of relief that it was over. She had turned out to bitter, manipulative, and blamed everyone else for her problesm. After they had sex he did admit that sex helped him continue in a relationship with her. After he had finally been able to do it, he continued because of the sexual act, not the person. I suppose that makes sense. Still, I've seen pictures of her and she's gross. I don't know how it couldn't have not been about the person. If it was just about sex wouldn't he have at least picked someone hotter? I feel like you can only put up with someone like that if you have feelings for them. Yet, I try hard to believe all he's said about how it started out as simple admiration that turned out to be obligation.
At the end of the day I accept what happened. It definitely helps that he didn't have feelings for her, but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. He could have had a simple crush or a simple kiss on the cheek and that's all. Even the smallest act of infidelity would have caused the same damage in the end. The details definitely hurt, but at the end of the day he broke my trust and that hurts the most. It doesn't matter how, it's just the fact that he did.
For now I've chosen to try. The last six months almost I've been working things out with Luke. I'm happier now. I'm confused still. All the things of before have been shaken. I have to retest every feeling I've ever had for him--Do I find him attractive? Do I really love him? Is he enough for me? Is he a good match for me?--just because of this. It may not seem to make sense, but relationships are fluid, not compartments. Everything effects everything. :)
I'm optimistic.
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